Single Parent And Kids

Q. “Five years ago my son’s father left us. I am now remarried to a great guy named David. He has tried his best to be friends with Nathan, and I take care of the discipline. We’ve been married for three years and Nathan won’t do anything his step-father asks of him. How can I change this?”

A. Adults know that problems between spouses cause divorce and any lingering negativity. Children on the other hand, often blame themselves when their parents don’t have a succeed at marriage. Nathan undoubtedly feels like his dad abandoned him and not you. Those feelings will be reinforced if his dad visits rarely or not at all. This leaves Nathan feeling guilty, angry, and abandoned. He may even be afraid that you will leave too.

This being the case, the fact that you have now brought in another man presents a couple of problems. First, it dashes hopes that one day Mum and Dad might get back together again. Secondly, it means that someone else is stealing all that attention that Nathan had been getting from you when you were single. No wonder his nose feels out of joint!

Perhaps Nathan got on really well with David before you married. At that stage, he was just Mum’s boyfriend. Then, he was fun to have around, and never tried to act bossy. Now he is living in the house like he owns it.

Making the transition from visitor to parent is often very tricky. The key to it is to be open and honest about it all. Communication is the key. Make time to talk together, regularly, in various combinations: you and Nathan, Nathan and David, and all three of you. Include your other children if you have any.

Acknowledge Nathan’s confusion, anger and resentment. Make it clear, also, that David is not taking Dad’s place, and never will. It is all right for Nathan to love and miss his father - even if you don’t! Try to remain matter-of-fact about the separation, and keep the children out of any ongoing battles that you are having with your ex.

Make it clear, also, that David is here because you love him and want him in the family. This does not mean that you love Nathan any less. Also, for Nathan to like David does not mean that he is being disloyal to Dad.

Finally, you must make it clear to Nathan that David now has parental authority in your family. What David says goes. Don’t let Nathan come to you trying to discount any decision David has made. If you happen to disagree with David on some issue, address it in private. It’s important that you stand by him in public. Nathan has to see and hear that you and David are of one mind, and that you will always back David fully.